A Happy Accident
i finally learned what veg out means
Testing, testing.
I’m not actually writing this. I’m using Wispr. And this is not an ad. It just feels borderline illegal how easy it is to spill your thoughts out loud and have them appear like this. And weirdly, even though it’s a little bit digitalized, that I’m not even typing this myself, this feels more… honest? Maybe because I’m not editing or planning it. Like you’re actually reading my thoughts in real time instead of the cleaned-up version.
If you know me in real life, you know my life has always been about what’s next. Schools, jobs, business ideas, people to network with. And for a long time, it was really fun. Like actually really fun. I don’t even think I was chasing success. I think I was chasing the feeling of having something to chase. Because if there was nothing to optimize, nothing to plan, nothing to “figure out”… I didn’t really know who I was that day.
Rest only made sense if it served a future version of me. Vacations were either about exploring a new culture or becoming more productive later. Everything had a purpose. Everything had a return. Looking back, I think I’ve been trying to engineer happiness. Which sounds harsh, I know. But it was as if I picked the right place, the right restaurant, the right people, the right timing, then I would feel something. If I plan it well enough, optimize it enough, I’ll arrive at the exact feeling I want. And to be fair, I’m a fun, happy person (according to my friends). It works. Just in a very managed way.
A few weeks ago was Tet holiday in Vietnam. My team is US-based, so they didn’t have the time off, but my manager told us very clearly: don’t check work, just rest. I understood it. In theory.
But then my ADHD discovered this swipe feature on Slack mobile for unread notifications, and suddenly checking messages became… fun?? Like a game?? So I checked anyway. Every day. Every US hour. And when I came back, I felt… just fine.
Which is exactly why I never questioned it. Not this Tet, not ever.
Then last weekend happened.
I had a few extra PTO days I needed to use before they expired, so I was like okay fine, I’ll go somewhere. No big plan. No research spiral. No “where do I eat in the South of France”.
I just went.
It was a beach nearby. One-hour flight. And all I did was lie there, kayak a bit, eat seafood. That’s it. And it felt… amazing. Like suspiciously amazing. Because nothing about it was engineered. There was no itinerary. No “must-see.” No outcome. No version of me trying to maximize the experience. Every other time I tried to feel good, I designed it. This time, I didn’t. And somehow, it worked better.
Before the trip, I wasn’t in my best-est headspace. Things were bothering me in that low-grade way. Like this could be better, that could be more efficient, what if I did that differently? Constant low-level optimization running in the background.
But on the beach, it stopped. I don’t know if it was the ocean or the seafood or the fact that my only concern was how my tan was going to turn out, but something just let go. I think the biggest difference is because I genuinely stop caring. Not in a reckless way, but in a very literal way. As I just let it go. As I stop trying to get something out of the moment.
And I know this sounds cliché. Like yes, “go connect with nature,” “touch the ocean,” we’ve all heard it.
But I mean it in a very physical way. Like actually immersing yourself in it. Being near a body of water, letting it move around you, letting it flow into you and out of you. Not thinking about how to capture it or optimize it or even remember it. Just being there long enough for your system to settle. And it feels so good. In a way that’s almost confusing. Because nothing “happened.” There was no highlight. No peak moment. No story to tell. But somehow you come back feeling like yourself again. Not an improved version. Just your most contented self.
And that kind of happiness feels very different. It feels accidental.
At one point, I texted my friends and said maybe I should move to a beach city. It feels so good. They immediately said: “No. You’ll be bored. You’re a city girl.”
And they’re probably right. But then why did it feel so good?
I came back to the city last night. Unpacked, threw things into the laundry, had dinner, and called it a night, nothing crazy. This morning, the sky was so blue and I woke up with the calmest nervous system.
I listened to “Baby, I’m Yours” and stood in front of the mirror and had this weird moment where I was like -wait. I’m… fully mine. To do whatever I want. Thank goodness. I’m so lucky. It didn’t feel like I achieved anything. It just felt complete. Not finished, just complete.
And I think that’s what accidental happiness does. It doesn’t add anything to your life. It just removes the noise long enough for you to realize nothing was missing in the first place.
I opened my work laptop at 9 am today. Voluntarily. For context, I work European hours from Vietnam, so my day usually starts at 11. I texted my team: “Good morning, rise and shine, let’s get it.” and started making weekly plans for them. They were confused. I was also slightly confused. It didn’t feel like I had to do anything because it’s my job. I just wanted to. It just felt like energy that came back on its own. Not to be dramatic, but I think I’m woke.
I don’t think I need a beach every weekend. But I do think I’ve been trying a little too hard to engineer my life. And maybe the better feeling (and the deeper one) is the one you don’t plan for.
The one that shows up when you stop trying to control it.
I don’t know if I’ll keep this feeling. I probably won’t. I’ll probably go back to asking what’s next, what’s better, what’s more. That part of me isn’t going anywhere. But at least now I know there are two kinds of happiness: the one you build and the one you accidentally walk into. And I’m starting to think the second one might be the point.
Alright, I feel like I’ve just been rambling about something you all might have figured out a long time ago. Like the idea of “disconnecting,” or letting go, or not over-optimizing your life. This is nothing new. And maybe I’m the only one who’s been a little too wired this whole time and just getting caught up. But I still wanted to whisper (Wispr) it out. (see what I did here :) )
And if there’s someone out there who is a bit like me, this post probably won’t be the thing that changes anything. It didn’t work like that for me either. Most things people told me just went right over my head too.
But I do hope that one day, you randomly walk into a weekend like I did.